Blades

She dealt her pretty words like Blades —
How glittering they shone —
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone —

I can never tell if the way people look at me is weird because they don't know how to communicate with me, due to my being deaf. I know it is a combination of at least three things: the deafness that was listed first, the lack of friends growing up, and how they influence each other to form the illusion of my personality.

• Deafness
• Friendship
• Illusion

People hardly deal with deaf people that curiously and paradoxically they act like—or rather, they become—deaf-mute themselves. They stand there uncharacteristically quiet, as I do, because they don't know what to say as I don't either. I strongly suspect that I give this air off.

On the other hand, I think that having not had friends except my family (my mother only) meant that I never developed the thick skin that comes with being with people, having opinions, saying things out loud, confiding, sharing likes and dislikes, being closer to people on the basis of sharing a negative opinion of someone else. Social life, basically. Even nerds would have friends they find online, in chess clubs, math clubs, or people of their peers.

The illusion is that I wish to be an expert in something without practicing. I just am afraid to say stupid things, or I feel that what I say are so meta-commentary I don't realize the angst is largely unnecessary. People want to be nice, but they have a hard time being so.

She never deemed — she hurt —
That — is not Steel's Affair —
A vulgar grimace in the Flesh —
How ill the Creatures bear —

"So that's all it takes?" I said after he simply used a wrench to loosen the wheel that wasn't rolling as smoothly as it should. He nodded, but I wonder if he said something, or if it is lost, as so many things are lost in the formless half-thoughts of the human brain.

To Ache is human — not polite —
The Film upon the eye
Mortality's old Custom —
Just locking up — to Die. — Emily Dickinson  

Exactly how I feel. My attitude is often of such tremendous shyness I want to lock myself up and be invisible. This feeling should by stintless maturity have been left behind in high school.